Me, Myself and My Itty Bitty Shitty Committee

“Why would anyone read what you have to write?” one committee member shouts down the long board room table in my mind.

“I… I…” I stutter and fall silent.

“Good god, you can’t even put two words together. You’ll need more than that if you ever expect to write anything.” another member states as she dryly raises a sceptical eyebrow.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Says an angry face across the table from me, waving a sheet of paper. ”You’ll have people asking for their time back if they read this crap!” They tear it into pieces, and throw them at me, the fragments falling around me with desperate futility.

They say that the ones closest to you can hurt you the most. And the ones that live in your head really couldn’t get any closer.

I shrink painfully into my chair, staring at the empty document on my screen.

The writing prompt: We all struggle with imposter syndrome when we write. What is your top tip for stepping around this and publishing anyway? You would think I would have loads to say. But hell, “stepping around” makes it sound so easy.

Sometimes, it is just stepping around, like hopping over the stepping stones on a babbling brook. But when you’re living with intense imposter syndrome, crippling self-doubt and an entire team of inner critics squatting in your neocortex, the babbling brook is now a raging torrent. Less a small step, more a quick call to Elon to see if I can hitch a ride on a rocket.

So how did we get here? Us. Together. Me writing. You reading.

Several weeks ago, I walked around my local park (the pandemic approved therapist’s office) in the rain with my fantastic therapist (and her keen assistant, the labrador Chunky).

Unsurprisingly, my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee is a regular topic for discussion.

“Who are they?” she asks. We discuss the wonderful lineup of family, school teachers, past bosses and exes that live in my head. It’s quite the party guest list.

“But, as chairman of the board, can’t you just tell them to lay off?”

Chairman of the board? This was news to me.

“Chairman?” I say incredulously. “I don’t think I’m their boss.”

“But, who else could you be? They live in your head!”

Well, this changes everything.

Most of us have an inner critic. Some of us have an entire committee. But here’s the thing. They live in your head.

You might struggle to control them, they might get a bit lairy at times, but they are entirely your creation. They work for you. You have all the power here.

This realisation got this short piece written, and hopefully, it’s the start of many more. I stand up and walk across the board room to the head of the table.

“Excuse me”, I say with a tight-lipped smile to the board member sitting in that position. “I think you’re in my seat.”

“Heh. I don’t think s…” they start speaking but spontaneously combust into a cloud of glitter. I sit at the head of the table.

“OK, team. Let’s get this thing published, shall we?”